One long one to make up for the weeks of silence 🙂

THE GRAND FARTING CONTEST

I’ll tell you a story that’s sure to please

Of a grand farting contest at Chatham-on-Tees

Where all the arses paraded in fields

To take part in contests for various shields.

Some cocked their arses to fart up the scale

While others trained on a few pints of ale

While those whose arses are biggest and strongest

Competed in contests for loudest and longest.

This fine easter morning had drawn a big crowd

And betting was even on Mrs. McLoud

It was said in the papers, the sporting edition,

That this ladies arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones has a perfect backside

With a bunch of red hairs and a wart on each side.

She fancied her chances of winning with ease

Having trained on a diet of cabbage and cheese.

Now old Mrs. Patricks was backed for a place

For she’d often been placed in deepest disgrace

Having farted at church and drowned out the organ

And gassed at the Preacher, poor Marmaduke Morgan.

Mrs. Bulge arrived amidst rounds of applause

And promptly proceeded to pull out her draws

Tho’ she’d no chance in the farting display

She’d the prettiest arse you’d see in your day.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand

And proceeded to tell this remarkable band

That the contest was as shown in the bills

And excluded the use of inspection and pills.

The entrants lined up at a signal to start

And winning the toss Mrs. Jones had first fart

The crowds were astonished in silence and wonder

As the leading lady let off a peal of thunder.

Came next Mrs. Patricks who advanced to the front

And started by doing a remarkable stunt

With wide parted lips and tightly clenched hands

She blew off the roof of the 50p. stand.

Now Mrs. McLoud thought nothing of this

She’d had some weak tea and was all wind and piss

With hands on her hips and legs spread wide

She unluckily sh*t and was disqualified.

Now young Mrs. Bulge was next appear

She turned to the crowds and they gave a great cheer

They thought she’d no chance in the contest at all

But she took first place by out-farting them all.

With hands on hips she farted alone

And the crowd was amazed at the sweetness of tone

They agreed with the judge, who said without pause

“First prize Mrs. Bulge, now pull up your draws!”

She advanced to the stand with a maidenly gait

And took from the vicar a lovely gold plate

Then she turned to the crowd and started to sing

While farting the first verse of “God Save the King”!